Emma, thank you for writing this, and from such a tender place. I appreciate you connecting accountability with compassion and a desire to understand. It seems accountability in the realm of birth and death has largely become synonymous with blame, and now more than ever I find myself wondering, what's the point? What do we gain from demanding someone to blame in response to every anguish? every devastating heartbreak? Because, like you said, methods and understanding may differ, but ultimately the goal for those in any given birthspace is supporting the wellbeing of mother and baby for the best possible outcome. And this ESPECIALLY goes for mothers. The freebirthing mother and the hospital-birthing mother are largely choosing from the same place of earnest desire to protect their babies.
I am so sorry to read of your son's passing. I cannot imagine a greater grief with which to walk. Sending love to you on your journey. x
Thank you for writing this with such eloquent clarity and thank you for your love.
There are so many philosophies that are woven into the birth community, but at the heart of it all - everyone is really just wanting to make birth safe for mothers and babies.
Beautiful, thank you for sharing. I have all the same questions and would even go so far as to say that if you aren’t ready to take responsibility for life and death during birth that you aren’t ready to birth period - in any setting.
“And so, when we avoid looking at the wild and untameable nature of both death and birth, we also distance ourself from the medicine and wisdom they carry.”
I gave birth to my daughter at home and I’ve never felt more fear than I did that day. And I don’t think being in a hospital would have changed anything because honestly there wasn’t much for anyone to do except surrender… It didn’t matter if it was a midwife or a doctor, my birth would have progressed the very same.
To give birth is to invite death in and look her in the eye... to give birth is to feel death breathe down your neck while you push out your child, wondering if she has come to claim you or your baby or both and knowing you have have no power over the outcome of this experience. There is no blame. Even death is only doing what she was made to do.
It is time for humans to stop trying to play “God” and accept that we are all at the mercy of the miracle that is life.
I am so sorry for your loss and I am sending you so much love. Thank you for sharing your story with the world and trying to help weave the tapestry back together.
Thank you so much for your kindness and for such a potent share.
"even death is only doing what she was made to do." -- Yes. This has been such a big piece for me to hold. Remembering that death is just as natural as birth. Not evil or wrong. There is no good or bad, just different ways nature shows up.
My prayer will always be to have a cohesively woven tapestry of birth.
I find it interesting that this article was on my feed today, 3/12, when you wrote it in January. The Norns definitely have a sense of humor! I haven't stepped a foot in a hospital since 2019 and since then I have had two live births, a miscarriage, and my current pregnancy that is due within the month. After going the midwife/home birth route with our first, we decided on a more unassisted approach. I didn't want any prenatal or birth help, but I really wanted someone who would come right after the birth and provide postpartum care. We found a midwife with my second and this pregnancy for that! But last year I had a miscarriage without anyone but my husband for support and accountability. There were a few things that popped up for me in this pregnancy post miscarriage that made my second guess my trusting abilities. So when I decided on getting a second trimester ultrasound to make sure everything was ok, there was a hanging concern that I had placenta previa and recommended a late third trimester ultrasound to make sure it moved. I finally got that yesterday and literally all I wanted was to know if the placenta had cleared away from the cervix enough to still have a home birth without complications. Instead they kept me under the probe for 30 minutes measuring different things over and over. I noticed the the gestational age was not matching where I'm actually at, but the tech said they couldn't say anything and I had to talk with the doctor. His recommendation, because of the small structure of my baby, is twice a week monitoring with ultrasound and induction in 2 weeks when I hit 39 weeks...or else I could have a stillbirth. There's nothing to on my end to indicate there's anything wrong, so I was a bit shocked. A lot more going on, but I'm a rando in your comments section 😅 so I'll end by saying, last night, today, and mostly the next few weeks, I will be trying to find my peace in the liminal space of responsibility and accountability as I balance the realities of life and death. Thanks for sharing your journey and questions here 🙏🏻✨❤️
I just want to say, I feel deeply for you and what you’ve been through 🥺 I’m so sorry…
My thoughts are that life or death is no one’s responsibility. Assuming it is, is playing God. God decides life or death, and he does so regardless of what we do or don’t do. We can make a “mistake” where death should happen but we are gifted a miracle.
I’m not talking about situations though where there is outright lack of care or negligence. But for the most part I see everyone doing their best and operating from their best information & intuition. Which would be our responsibility. The rest is out of our control.
Emma, thank you for writing this, and from such a tender place. I appreciate you connecting accountability with compassion and a desire to understand. It seems accountability in the realm of birth and death has largely become synonymous with blame, and now more than ever I find myself wondering, what's the point? What do we gain from demanding someone to blame in response to every anguish? every devastating heartbreak? Because, like you said, methods and understanding may differ, but ultimately the goal for those in any given birthspace is supporting the wellbeing of mother and baby for the best possible outcome. And this ESPECIALLY goes for mothers. The freebirthing mother and the hospital-birthing mother are largely choosing from the same place of earnest desire to protect their babies.
I am so sorry to read of your son's passing. I cannot imagine a greater grief with which to walk. Sending love to you on your journey. x
Thank you for writing this with such eloquent clarity and thank you for your love.
There are so many philosophies that are woven into the birth community, but at the heart of it all - everyone is really just wanting to make birth safe for mothers and babies.
Beautiful, thank you for sharing. I have all the same questions and would even go so far as to say that if you aren’t ready to take responsibility for life and death during birth that you aren’t ready to birth period - in any setting.
Oh that last line is POWERFUL. I 100% agree 🤎
“And so, when we avoid looking at the wild and untameable nature of both death and birth, we also distance ourself from the medicine and wisdom they carry.”
I gave birth to my daughter at home and I’ve never felt more fear than I did that day. And I don’t think being in a hospital would have changed anything because honestly there wasn’t much for anyone to do except surrender… It didn’t matter if it was a midwife or a doctor, my birth would have progressed the very same.
To give birth is to invite death in and look her in the eye... to give birth is to feel death breathe down your neck while you push out your child, wondering if she has come to claim you or your baby or both and knowing you have have no power over the outcome of this experience. There is no blame. Even death is only doing what she was made to do.
It is time for humans to stop trying to play “God” and accept that we are all at the mercy of the miracle that is life.
I am so sorry for your loss and I am sending you so much love. Thank you for sharing your story with the world and trying to help weave the tapestry back together.
Thank you so much for your kindness and for such a potent share.
"even death is only doing what she was made to do." -- Yes. This has been such a big piece for me to hold. Remembering that death is just as natural as birth. Not evil or wrong. There is no good or bad, just different ways nature shows up.
My prayer will always be to have a cohesively woven tapestry of birth.
I find it interesting that this article was on my feed today, 3/12, when you wrote it in January. The Norns definitely have a sense of humor! I haven't stepped a foot in a hospital since 2019 and since then I have had two live births, a miscarriage, and my current pregnancy that is due within the month. After going the midwife/home birth route with our first, we decided on a more unassisted approach. I didn't want any prenatal or birth help, but I really wanted someone who would come right after the birth and provide postpartum care. We found a midwife with my second and this pregnancy for that! But last year I had a miscarriage without anyone but my husband for support and accountability. There were a few things that popped up for me in this pregnancy post miscarriage that made my second guess my trusting abilities. So when I decided on getting a second trimester ultrasound to make sure everything was ok, there was a hanging concern that I had placenta previa and recommended a late third trimester ultrasound to make sure it moved. I finally got that yesterday and literally all I wanted was to know if the placenta had cleared away from the cervix enough to still have a home birth without complications. Instead they kept me under the probe for 30 minutes measuring different things over and over. I noticed the the gestational age was not matching where I'm actually at, but the tech said they couldn't say anything and I had to talk with the doctor. His recommendation, because of the small structure of my baby, is twice a week monitoring with ultrasound and induction in 2 weeks when I hit 39 weeks...or else I could have a stillbirth. There's nothing to on my end to indicate there's anything wrong, so I was a bit shocked. A lot more going on, but I'm a rando in your comments section 😅 so I'll end by saying, last night, today, and mostly the next few weeks, I will be trying to find my peace in the liminal space of responsibility and accountability as I balance the realities of life and death. Thanks for sharing your journey and questions here 🙏🏻✨❤️
I just want to say, I feel deeply for you and what you’ve been through 🥺 I’m so sorry…
My thoughts are that life or death is no one’s responsibility. Assuming it is, is playing God. God decides life or death, and he does so regardless of what we do or don’t do. We can make a “mistake” where death should happen but we are gifted a miracle.
I’m not talking about situations though where there is outright lack of care or negligence. But for the most part I see everyone doing their best and operating from their best information & intuition. Which would be our responsibility. The rest is out of our control.